Why do I keep trying? It's very clear I can't help. I can only postpone, which makes disaster worse when it does happen.

When shit really, actually blows up, I'll show up and help. Until then, I don't think I should be around people. If I can't help, I shouldn't be involved.

Bah, humbug. Also, f**k f**k f**k!!

I've been away from LARPing fo year now. Sometimes because I needed a break, sometimes because of my job - sometimes because life was busy kicking me and I didn't want to be around people when I knew I would only bring them down. It's good to know where your talents are, right?

Soo, had a chance to talk to a good friend who's tooling up a new character. This person does awesome RP, and we work great together. And she wants me to come back to game as her ghoul.

So I think about it. Work isn't an issue. I've got the time. Life isn't kicking me right now. Why not? I've been planning on talking with her more, to lay out some strategy.

Well, now I know why. First my asshole OCD landlord decides that I need to pay for a professional cleaning service twice a month, because my cleaning doesn't meet his insane specifications. I say, none too politely, no. So now I need to find a new place to live.

And now, today, I get to work and after reading my emails, finally realize that yeah, the new manager isn't going to work out. He's clueless, and will drive this group into the ground in the name of an 'efficiency' that has nothing to do with what other groups need from us. He will certainly be fired, but long before then, he'll fire those under him who are trying to do the job despite him as 'cowboys' or 'unable to adapt.' - both phrases he's already used on me.

So, I need a new place to live, AND a new job. OH! Forgot! I might need surgery on my shoulder. Which would keep me from working for 2+ months.

F**k it. I'm sure there are others out there who have it worse. But would some goddamn stability be too much to ask?


Due to the requests, Here’s the info about the route I took on my trip.

ON the way to Denver, I used a variation of the most-direct route:

I-90 to Ellensburg

I-82 to  Hermiston

I-84 all the way to Ogden

I-15 to Spanish Fork

US-6 to I-70 near Green River

I-70 to Denver. Large chunks of I-70 are at HIGH elevation and heavy snow and ice are normal. Yes, Dustin, Vail and Breckenridge show heavy snowpack this year…

Total, 1369 miles. The most-direct route has you stay with I-84 until it reaches I-80, then follow it as it loops up over western Colorado via Wyoming. You can save 50 miles and a lot of time, but the route suffers from near-terminal boredom. There isn’t much to see in Wyoming.

The route BACK was the interesting part. My original plan was to use the most-direct route:

I-25 to Cheyenne

I-80 to I-84 in Utah

I-84 to Ogden

…then reverse everything from that first route before ‘Ogden’.

Total, 1,331 miles. However, when I checked the weather Thursday, I immediately called Mike to tell him I was not going to make it back for Sunday. Wyoming and Utah both had snow forecast on multiple days. Wyoming’s idea of snow removal is putting out the ‘Tire chains required’ signs

The primary alternate route, North to Montana and straight West, had the same problem – and in Montana, once the snow falls, it’s there until March. No thanks.

The other option was South – Straight south to New Mexico, then loop around and up. Initially I was hoping to minimize the detour and stick as close to the southern border of Colorado and Utah, then move north to Elko and rejoin I-80. This would result in the following route:

I-25 to SR 550, just North of Albuquerque; then a bunch of state roads in New Mex, Colorado, and Utah:

SR 550 to SR 64

SR 64 to SR 491

SR 491 to SR 191

SR 191 to I-70

And from there reversing my initial trip, US-6, I-15, etc, back to Seattle via I-90.

Total, 1864 miles. Seemed perfectly reasonable, assuming the snowfall was limited to the areas I knew about and wasn’t widespread. And it only added a few hundred miles to the trip, on roads that looked they would be interesting.

Not likely. Instead I ended up in Albuquerque, with ‘snow’, ‘flurries’, and ‘white crap’ in weather forecasts wherever I looked. Okay, stick to major roads. I rethought and planned a new route, looping up via Flagstaff-Las Vegas-Reno and connecting with I-5 at Redding via SR 44. That route would look like this:

I-40 from Albuquerque to Kingman

SR 93 to Las Vegas

SR 95 to Fallon

SR 50 to I-80 to Reno

SR 395 to Susanville

SR 139 to Oregon, where it becomes SR 39 for some strange reason…

SR 39 to SR 97 to Route 58 to I-5 at Eugene

I-5 to I-405 to Kirkland

Total, 2,174 miles. A lot longer, but with stops in Reno and Vegas. The chance for some fun was still alive.

Again, not likely. I got a whole four miles out of Flagstaff, on my way to Kingman, the last stop before Vegas (and fun, I was determined to have some fun by this point) when I ran into what weatherpeople call ‘Heavy Accumulation’ – i.e., SNOW EVERYWHERE. A foot deep off the roads, 6+ inches off the plowed section of the roads, 2+ inches on the plowed sections – and the plows were running constantly. Vehicles fell into a small number of categories: Plows, 18-wheelers, cars in ditches/overturned/buried, and me. And it was visibly getting worse as I headed west. The second time I hit black ice hidden under plowed snow, I gave up. I turned around, called Mike again, and told him that maybe Tuesday would be workable. After talking to him (who was very reassuring in telling me that there was no need to hurry, that they could get someone to cover, and not to rush) I pulled out my phone again and revised the route:

I-17 from Flagstaff to Phoenix

I-10 to I-210 in LA

I-210 to I-5 just south of Santa Clarita

I-5 North, forever. Or at least all the way to I-405 in Tukwila

I-405 to Kirkland

Total, 2,448 miles. No Vegas. No Reno. No fun. Hell, no sighting of the ocean, despite driving parallel to it for over a thousand miles.

I drove into Cali – Hey, look! Sunlight! I actually had to turn on the A/C, which made me laugh. Welcome to SoCal! Drove to the LA basin, and decided I was at least going to see the ocean. So I drove down and took the PCH, the Pacific Coast Highway, for a short distance north. I drove it through Malibu and Santa Barbara. I took the 101 through Santa Maria and San Luis Obispo. Then I diverted back to I-5, figuring I could make some time and still make the Monday shift.

OF course, it snowed on the way. I outran most of the way north, repeatedly having it swallow up the road and force me to slow down. When I finally reached Washington, the snow was ready for a final assault. It snowed from Vancouver all the way to Renton, only turning to slush and rain after I-405 split off. By that point I didn’t care, I was going to drive no matter what. I averaged 65 in driving snow and roads with no lane markings visible. And most of the way I was being outrun by people driving cars much worse than mine for this sort of work. People are strange.

The final route, high points only:

Broomfield, CO

Albuquerque, NM

Flagstaff, AZ

Phoenix, AZ

Santa Monica, CA

Malibu, CA

Santa Maria, CA

Atascadero, CA

Avenal, CA

Kirkland, WA

Total, 2,549 miles, 39 hours of driving. Here’s a link to the map of the route:,+CO&daddr=Albuquerque,+NM+to:Flagstaff,+AZ+to:Phoenix,+AZ+to:Santa+Monica,+CA+to:Malibu,+CA+to:Santa+Maria,+CA+to:Atascadero,+CA+to:Avenal,+CA+to:Kirkland,+WA&hl=en&geocode=FZ0jYQIdRoG8-Sk7-IhbzIprhzGwQryQ6JcFBw%3BFctYFwId_6Gk-Sl7gwnT3QoihzH99tm4zvjTwA%3BFUghGQIdL4VY-SkxJi7a944thzEAs9vOoTwfjg%3BFblh_gEdy-JR-SnLeaFQ7RIrhzGsG0o1-MdpjA%3BFX4YBwIdyffv-CkZAJHCzqTCgDGr9SP_tQoXtA%3BFRDgBgIdFxrr-Ck_1gj5qR3ogDFajOqycS23kw%3BFUpXFQId-UvS-CkJxlQMqg_sgDGONFqKZVL9Cw%3BFYmGHQId-7XO-CnFuV3XgMLsgDFIB3bJEbaIdQ%3BFRphJQId_fnW-Ck9wUeGRqqUgDFkJ9mgbx67pQ%3BFc-P1wIdIT63-Cl7zlIowBKQVDFXKHhwqmp3eg&aq=0&oq=kirkl&sll=38.668356,-119.135742&sspn=11.007822,14.128418&vpsrc=6&mra=pr&ie=UTF8&ll=41.277806,-114.521484&spn=21.173111,28.256836&t=m&z=5&dirflg=d

Oh yeah, I also stopped at 1333 2nd Street in Santa Monica (HQ for my company)  and took a picture of the front door. I would have grabbed lunch with someone but it was Sunday. Oh well. At least I’m back.




Okay, enough with this angst shit already.

Yes, I was willing - interested, even - in loving her had she wanted it. But she - for whatever reason - can't or won't reciprocate. Yes, it hurts. But I'm not seventeen, this isn't a fatal wound. I can take the week off I was going to spend with her and get other things done. Or I can spend it brooding. But brooding for a week doesn't produce anything but reasons to brood, and bad poetry. So let's not go there.

  • Current Mood
    calm calm


It seems no one reads LJ anymore. That's fine. I need to write this, but I don't care if it's read.

I wanted it to work. 

I don't know how many people actually get the chance to be with someone who challenges them - who pushes them to be more
Yet is supportive when needed.
Knows how to push your buttons
and knows when to push further than ever.
Is forged from a different steel
but when together is a fine alloy.
Knows your mind
but still cares for her own.
Is her own person
but seeks to be something more.
Has grown into wisdom
and still knows enough to be selfish.
Knows beauty
and knows it's brevity.
Has been hurt
but still...can try.

I'm sorry. I don't have the words for this. I know what beauty is, but I don't know how to express it.
  • Current Mood
    melancholy melancholy

Houston, we have lost contact.

There aren't that many people I actually want to meet. I'm mostly immune to the media buzz around stars, divas, and similar nonsense. I don't view the acts of politicians and worth more than a sceptic's evaluation. But there are those people that are different. Those who I think are worth going out of my way to shake their hand and say 'Thanks' for literally making the country or the world a better place.

Today we have one fewer:

I think a wake is in order.
  • Current Mood
    numb numb
sinfest rain devil girl

New Icon, so appropriate

Saw the Sinfest for today. Saw this panel. Four minutes later, it's my new LJ Icon.

In one five minute span earlier this week, I had my computer die (PSU died, not with a bang, or a whimper, but just a whoosh as all the fans stopped) AND found out that I was passed over for the job I interviewed for last week. The interview that I aced, and that the manager seemed to really like me for. Total elapsed time between the two, approximately the same four minutes it took me to turn this into an icon.

So: New icon. Totally appropriate.